Dear Wall Street Journal (and every other newspaper trying to combat flagging circulation),
There are those of us out there who like you just fine. We’re called your subscribers. We pay for your paper because we like to read it. Not all of it, and sometimes none of it, but more often than not, we’ve tucked your paper next to the morning coffee cup or in the briefcase because we actually plan on reading it, and we like it the way it is.
The aforementioned may seem obvious, but you are beginning to act strangely. Don’t you know how fickle the youngsters are today? They will get their news from (gasp) The Daily Show! I have accepted the fact that pseudo-papers like Metro and Red Eye are here to stay — especially since you now own them — but do you really think they will convert non-readers into subscribers? These are free papers: yours is not. Plus, yours does not have Kanye West on the cover every third day.
(And please keep it that way.)
I can understand that you want to hang out with the cool kids, which is why you’re listening to people who say silly things like, “The content of many newspapers is not compelling, relevant or interesting, it’s important and dull. Nobody wants to read important and dull.”
Please stop listening to these people. You’re beautiful, baby, although I wouldn’t mind if you would spend a bit more money to develop ink that doesn’t rub off on my fingers so much.
While I’m at it, please stop trying to lure me to your website by offering ‘exclusive online’ content. Boston Globe, you pulled this trick on the editorial page with great regularity. Why are you hiding content from me? If you’re going to offer more online than in the paper, why should I bother even buying the paper in the first place? Don’t punish me for reading the dang thing.
Besides, I don’t read the paper in front of the computer; I read it at the breakfast table and on the subway. On Sundays, I read it on the couch, and I like it that way. I spend all day in front of the computer; let’s keep our relationship purely physical.
Thank you for your time, and please knock it the heck off.
Sincerely,
Drew, a budding Curmudgeon
(Editorial note: I’m not a WSJ subscriber. But Chicago Tribune, consider yourself warned.)